Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
