just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Someone shattered a urinal.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
