you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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