do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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