I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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