Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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