I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
