Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
