I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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