Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
