The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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