You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
