i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
