Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize