Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
