i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
