It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
