My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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