I'm sorry my penis didn't work
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
