It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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