When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
