i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize