Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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