Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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