if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
