one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
