I met the friendliest cop last night
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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