the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize