i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
