Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
