I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
