I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
