The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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