worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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