I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
