I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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