Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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