I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
