I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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