he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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