You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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