He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
