But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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