I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
