just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
