I want to walk on stilts...naked
my phone needs a breathalizer
I met the friendliest cop last night
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
