The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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