so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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