fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
