Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
