I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
