So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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