You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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