I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
