my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
