We won't sleep together?
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
