Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
