I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize